How to Deal With Anger

There are two types of anger: helpful anger and unhelpful anger. Helpful anger allows you to be assertive and establish your boundaries. Anger is a natural and valid emotion in certain situations as long as it is handled the right way.

Unhelpful anger can lead to aggression and violence and may have a devastating effects on your personal life, at work and even lead to a criminal conviction. It can also have consequences on your physical health such as symptoms of stress and high blood pressure. Unhelpful anger can be felt as an out of control emotion.

Examining how you think about yourself others and the world and revising those sometimes rigid beliefs can help avoid the out of control anger.

What are some of the attitudes and thoughts you may have about yourself others and the world? For instance, you may believe that nobody has the right to treat you unfairly or unjustly, that you must have what you want right now and that nobody should stop you. Nobody should be allowed to embarrass you or make you feel embarrassed or ashamed.

Do you have any thoughts like this about yourself others and the world? Now question whether these beliefs or thoughts are reasonable or useful. Accept that others have the right to live by their own rules and standards and not yours. This can help to avoid unhelpful anger.

Become more flexible and accepting in your expectations of how others behave and understand the fact that others don’t always behave according to your expectations and that others make mistakes as we all do.

You may believe that life should always be fair and exactly equal for everyone. This belief can foster unhelpful expectations that can result in anger and frustration especially when this belief is challenged or when you compare your own life to others. There appears to be unfairness everywhere.

Accept people and events for who and what they are. Accept yourself as you are and do not put other people down to make yourself feel better.

Learn to become more tolerant of becoming frustrated when things don’t go as planned or how you would like them to. You can tell yourself that the situation may be problematic, difficult, or unpleasant, but it can be tolerable. It’s not the end of the world . Ask yourself: ‘Is this really catastrophic or just hard for now?’

You can learn to tell the difference between anger and aggression. It can be ok to be angry but not ok to act in an aggressive or violent manner. You can choose not to let what people say and do affect how you feel. You can learn not to let situations stir up your anger.

You may get angry when you believe that you are entitled to things. This can make you very negative and believe that you are a victim . This may make you feel out of control and bitter.

In any situation in the anger occurred, you can ask yourself: ‘What is a more helpful way to view this situation?’ Finding a new way of seeing things does not deny the injustice. Instead, it allows you to recognise the injustice and accept the situation as it is as well as your feelings about it. In this way you will be able to respond in a more appropriate healthier way in place of out of control and unhelpful anger.

Punching pillows, hitting a wall or smashing things is not helpful. This type of behaviour only intensifies anger. It may make you feel good for a while, but it leads to increasing hostile and aggressive behaviour.

We create anger with our own thoughts and beliefs; therefore it is with those that we can manage anger.

Things you can do to help:

1. Think of a situation when you last got angry and ask yourself what triggered or invited your anger?

2. What beliefs and thoughts led to that anger? Some may be true and appropriate, others may be irrational

3. What happened as a result of your anger? What did you do? How did you feel? What happened in your body?

4. Now think of those beliefs and thoughts that led to the anger and ask yourself if they were helpful. What would be a better way of looking at things?

You can also:

1. Identify what things or situations make you feel angry

2. Write down the advantages and disadvantages of staying angry.

Using the above strategies will help you deal with unhelpful anger and lead to a more harmonious and happier life.

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